Here's a personal update from my last post about Complications that discussed my emergency hospitalization (juxtaposed with the general nature of the present multi-faceted crisis in the world). This post is most generally a personal update without my usual flair or insight– maybe a hint under the heading "There's Something".

I'm home

I got home last night. There's a lot going on, but the most important thing is, I'm going to be okay, and things have calmed down for now.

I'm grateful

So many of you have reached out, checked on me from day to day, messaged, made food for my family, took care of my kids and my spouse, sent the cozy blanket I'm wrapped in right now, shared tears and personal stories, visited me in the hospital.

I'm so incredibly moved and touched.

As you know, things haven't always been easy for me– honestly, they're still not– and I've had a strange life. I haven't always had people there for me and my family in ways that we needed. But right now I just feel so profoundly grateful and connected to friends, chosen family, and even acquaintences who care deeply about me and my family. I've been emotionally overwhelmed by the response and care people have shown for my welfare. This morning alone, I've cried multiple times in gratitude for you all. Words are never enough, and there are never enough words.

There's something

There's something that happened during my time being hospitalized, an experience that happened that will affect me deeply for the rest of my life. Something beautiful and hopeful and tangible in ways I have trouble describing even to myself and that I've yet to fully process.

I want so much to tell you about it, but I don't think there's a way to do so without sacrificing the privacy of multiple other people involved, and even if I felt I could tell you without privacy concerns, like I said, describing it would be difficult.

I think what I can say for now is just... Solidarity matters. Human connection matters. Actions you take that you think are small, these often have profound implications for other people. When I ask you to do something, even the smallest action matters. Sometimes action is listening. Sometimes action is speaking. Sometimes action is taking the absolute tiniest amount of power that you hold in order to unlock a door to a room that feels inconsequential to you, but that is firmly closed for others who don't have a key, though they desperately need to pass through.

Grandiose actions matter, too, when the situation arises. Courage and bravery matter, too. But the thing is, there is no true revolution without cultural revolution, which is to say that grand actions are not what most shape our days and our lives. We are shaped by the actions we take and receive and by connections that we foster with each other. The way we speak, listen, and take action for each other. The way that we take what is presented in front of us, day after day, and use what power we have to do the right things and the things that need to be done, piece by piece, brick by brick, bite by bite.

I've told you before, almost every single day of my life I am reminded of the words of Ursula K. LeGuin in her book The Dispossessed:

You cannot buy the revolution. You cannot make the revolution. You can only be the revolution. It is in your spirit, or it is nowhere.

The only world that you can make is the one within and around yourself, and we can only shape our wider world by the ways our inner worlds are connected to each others' humanity. Anything else is not the making of worlds, it is the destruction of them. It is violence.

There are no ends, only means.

I can't begin to describe the feeling of gratitude for the spirit of revolution I've seen in my life in recent days.

Brief Medical Details (for those who are curious)

• I will need gallbladder surgery, but it was able to stabilize enough that I will be able to wait until I've healed from this last surgery and from my hematoma, as long as I stick to a strict dietary regimen until I'm able to have the surgery.
• The issue surrounding the other potential surgery we were concerned about has resolved enough that it will not need to happen unless something changes radically, and I don't suspect it will. It had to do with my hematoma but is difficult to explain– suffice it to say, I'm in the clear on that one.
• I'll be in pain for months due to my hematoma, but I'm able to safely manage it now until it shrinks, heals, and hopefully disappears on its own without calcifying. I won't be able to lift anything more than a few pounds for a while, and walking is incredibly painful, but with my ability to manage it, it's just pain, and I shouldn't have to worry about injuring myself further.
• My gastrointestinal system had shut down (ileus) as another complication of surgery and internal bleeding which seems to have stopped by the time I got to the hospital, but that's all resolved very well. I wasn't allowed to eat anything until day 3, yesterday, and liquids the night before. When I was finally able to drink liquids, they asked if I wanted a ginger ale, but I had already decided that I really wanted vegetable broth. It was one of the best things I have ever tasted.

Thank you again, every one of you.

no ends, only means